If we learned anything from Hard Knocks last year, it’s that Brian Hoyer is the try-hard doucher that everyone respects but also kind of hates. He’s the guy who sprints during punishment running while the rest of the team is dogging it, making them look like assholes. He’s coming into the Bears locker room thinking he’s going to win the starting job over Jay Cutler, whatever it takes. If he hasn’t said it out loud, he’s definitely thinking “I’m not here to make friends, I’m here to play football.” I don’t know what he’s doing right this moment, but I feel like there’s a 86% chance he’s taking dry snaps and simulating a seven-on-seven in his living room. He’s that guy.
Then we have Jay Cutler. Don’t let his recent semi-likable persona fool you, he’s still the giant penis we’ve all come to know and love. If you were walking down the street with your three year old son, and your son took a spill in the vicinity of Jay Cutler, he would probably nudge him away with his foot and keep walking. He doesn’t care. He might care a little more than he has in the past, but he still doesn’t care. On the football field he works hard and puts in his time. He’s grown into leader, kinda. But he’s had ridiculous God-given talent from day one, something Brian Hoyer isn’t familiar with.
And that’s why Jay Cutler is going to absolutely hate Brian Hoyer before the Bears play their first regular season game. Disclaimer: I think Jay Cutler is a good quarterback and I also think adding Hoyer was a really good move for this team. But there’s no shot in hell these two get along. Cutler is going to make snarky comments behind Hoyer’s back when Hoyer is up Fox’s ass all season long asking questions about every play. Hoyer will catch some of these comments but ignore them, using them as “fuel to the fire.” Hoyer is probably going to torch Cutler on the practice field because he’ll prepare for every practice like he’s starting in the Super Bowl. I can totally see Cutler being asked what he thinks about Hoyer’s performance and Jay something like “you guys know he sucks right?” I can’t wait to pick up on subtle hints that they actually hate each other. Can’t. Wait.