I’m Not Sure Why Anyone Would Attend a Training Camp

There are only a handful of reasons to attend Bears’ training camp. If you don’t fall into any of the categories below, you should probably rethink your life. You’re not going to learn anything at all from being there. I’m not sure why you’d want to spend hours sitting in blazing heat on the campus of Olivet Nazarene. I’m pretty sure that “college” has a three feet rule, meaning if there is a girl in your room there must be three human feet on the floor. I guess that’s a start to controlling the population. Here are the legit reasons…

  1. You’re a reporter or blogger who has some credentials
    • Don’t let them fool you. Even the guys/gals who get paid to do this for a living don’t want to be there. They have to sit through hours of walk-throughs while sweating through their golf polos, and the only thing they’ll end up reporting is how surprised they are that John Fox isn’t saying much and has closed off all of the important practices. Happens every season.
  2. You have a family
    • It’s never too early to bring little Tommy or Tina into the Bears family. Your only job here is to completely lie to them about the type of people football players are, making them into heroes. Once they buy it, you’ve continued the tradition of breeding Bears fans and your job as a parent is pretty much fulfilled.
  3. You’re a kid who wants some autographs
    • I strongly support the belief that if you’re an adult looking for an autograph you should have to get punched in the face by the athlete you’re asking to sign something in order to receive it. However, I will accept asking for autographs if you are below the age of 16. Just don’t be surprised if the best one you get is Robbie Gould. If you can drive yourself there you shouldn’t be asking for something that you can easily forge.
  4. You don’t have a real job
    • You have nothing better to do, so might as well try and begin a career in professional scouting. Maybe try and sell some Bears tricks to Belichick. Just a heads up, if you’re an adult at training camp without a family and not looking for autographs, I assume you’re unemployed.
  5. You’re just looking for somewhere new to get hammered
    • There are a few types of people that fall into this category. The first is the college student who has a few days before they return to heaven on their campus. Need to kill some time, why not spend some with the boys, beers, and Bears. The second are the residents of Bourbonnais and the surrounding communities. If you’ve ever been that far south, you know there’s not much going on down there. Totally acceptable to grab some Busch Latte’s and chill.

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