Auston Matthews is Here to Make America Great Again

I love international sporting events. The Olympics are my jam, especially when I know it puts another city in paralyzing debt so we don’t feel so alone here in Chicago. Hell, I’ll even dabble in some World Cup action to watch our designated grass fairies be considered the “tough guys” of soccer. I soaked up every minute of the World Cup of Hockey even though the USA squad embarrassed us all. If Russia performed like that, Putin would’ve built a special jail cell for all the players, each containing a bear, and beating that bear in a wrestling match would’ve been their only key to freedom.

Auston Matthews is here so we don’t have to relive that BS. The fact that he was born after songs like Gangsta’s Paradise and Wonderwall came out is irrelevant. Don’t call him a kid, he’s a man. A man that just de-pantsed an NHL team in his first game. A man that looks similar to Jack White, but not so similar that it should’ve been a Twitter thing last night. A man that’s here to make USA hockey great again. I can literally hear Canada shaking in their boots and falling off their moose (it’s not mooses, I looked it up). The fact that he plays in their own back yard makes it even better. The young talent resides with the Red, White and Blue. Connor who?

Not to mention this means Patrick Kane isn’t the only person in our country who can dangle now. Get these try-hards like David Backes and Ryan Kesler off America’s roster and out of my face. I want any muttering of “dump and chase” at any future Team USA practices to be punishable by law. The best part of this is that Matthews is from Arizona, where they don’t even have ice. Can you imagine how good the players coming up from cold weather states are going to be? Sorry Canada, we’re just going to go ahead and take hockey from you. It starts with Auston.

Here’s to your 2018 Gold Medal winners. USA.



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