The NFL Kind of Blows Lately

Granted, some of my disinterest in this NFL season revolves around the Bears being a dumpster fire. It’s like they called the White Sox for advice on running a franchise and did everything Kenny Williams said to do. However, this is the first time in a long time where I’m not completely blocking off my Sundays.

Last night was an exception. There was an MLB playoff game on, plus I didn’t want my eyeballs to be accosted by whatever those uniforms were last night (besides the Denver helmet, go retro or go home).  But still, it just feels like the NFL sucks lately. Now I won’t pretend I’m not a huge waste of life on most Sundays still. Sitting in my pajamas, watching my team’s Fantasycast like a dork, with meals consisting of chips and beer. I just find it less enjoyable than I’m used to. There’s multiple parties at fault.

First, the NFL. I haven’t seen a big hit since 2008. I’m not a “put skirts on ’em” guy, but I’m definitely a “there’s no way you can possibly make this game safe, give me back my truck sticks” guy. Is there any way to make head on car collisions safe? No. Giant men hitting each other at full speed is the same thing. You can’t make it safe, unless you take the car crashes away. And that’s called flag football. Different sport. I can’t believe the NFL hasn’t figured out that every player needs to sign a disclaimer saying “your body is going to hurt for the rest of your life in many ways” before they play their first game.

Next, the players. Every offensive line in the NFL is hot garbage. The Cowboys and maybe two or three other lines are the only ones where you’re confident your QB isn’t going to get decapitated. Speaking of QBs, they mostly suck too. And the ones who aren’t supposed to suck (Aaron Rodgers) kinda suck this year. I blame college football. All of these selfish coaches running the spread, not preparing kids for the next level. If you want to fix this, there are two options. One, make everyone run either the Stanford or Wisconsin offense. Or two, require every offensive play to have a fullback on the field.

Now that I’ve fixed both the league and the players, time to focus on the media. In particular, the broadcasts. Step back for a minute and think about the fact that Phil Simms is the lead analyst on CBS’s top crew. That’s basically the equivalent of having a hamster run a Fortune 500 company. And he’s just the beginning. Every pregame show could be used to torture suspected terrorists. There’s a simple solution to this…no former NFL players should be allowed in the media. Hey, I’ve got an idea. Let’s take a bunch of guys who hit their heads together for a living for 30 years and put them in front of a camera. Dumb. Give me a Matt Bowen, give me a Dan Durkin. Anyone who can give me actual insight.

When the ratings start to go back up, just remember who fixed the problems.


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