Kris Bryant is Officially Off the Market

Sorry ladies, Kris Bryant and his dreamy eyeballs are officially off the market. Though this won’t stop all of the new Cubs fans from throwing themselves at him when the North Siders win another World Series because of Bryant’s heroics (see what I did there? Subtly calling out bandwagon fans? Thought really I’m calling out girls who are only interested in sports when it’s cute/fashionable to wear the team’s logo).

Bryant married his longtime girlfriend and high school sweetheart Jessica Delp. That translates into Kris Bryant officially being the most perfect human being in the world. You’re telling me this objectively good-looking superstar who just won a World Series and MVP at age 24 just got married to a girl he’s been dating since high school? Come on. He could literally end every relationship in Chicago if he wanted to, but no. That’s why he’s better than us.

Since I basically called Kris Bryant winning MVP I’m not surprised by his success on the field and his quick transformation into a baseball god. What I am surprised by is how well he’s doing off the field by sticking to the All-American good boy persona. If Jesus were embodied in a baseball player that baseball player would be Kris Bryant. It actually kind of makes me worry about a potential apocalypse.


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