We’re Back: Pitchers & Catchers Report to Spring Training

I hate most things, but one of things I don’t hate is baseball. When pitchers and catchers report to spring training it’s comparable to Christmas when you were a kid and Santa existed. It’s at this time when I like to put a sweeping generalization on every MLB team and give a reason why they won’t win the World Series.

So here is why your team isn’t going to be winning the last game of the season:

Arizona Diamondbacks
You get a bump for having Fernando Rodney a.k.a. the greatest closer of all time in your bullpen, but no one with jerseys as bad as yours has ever won a championship in any sport.

Atlanta Braves
I’ve only of two of your five projected starting pitchers, and Tyler Flowers was simply not meant to be on a winning team.

Baltimore Orioles
Sorry, Chris Tillman still isn’t an ace. And I’m not sure Ubaldo Jimenez would even make the team for any other MLB pitching staff.

Boston Red Sox
According to ESPN, Chris Sale isn’t on your team and Travis Shaw is your starter at both third and first base. Bold strategy, but can’t say I’m confident in it’s probably of success.

Chicago Cubs
Repeats don’t happen anymore, and I’m pretty sure Theo is still drunk.

Chicago White Sox
James Shields.

Cincinnati Reds
Not only are you still paying Brandon Philips after trading him, but I’m pretty sure he just put a curse on your organization.

Cleveland Indians
The universe will not let Trevor Bauer win a World Series.

Colorado Rockies
Your potential opening day starter had a 4.79 ERA last year.

Detroit Tigers
The sentiment of “doing it for deceased the owner” will wear off by August.

Houston Astros
The Cardinals are going to use the draft picks they gave the Astros as a result of Hackgate as sleeper cell agents. Whoever they draft will be paid by St. Louis to ruin the organization from within.

Kansas City Royals
They’ve had enough winning, time to go away for about 20-30 years.

Los Angeles Angels
You recently got punked by CJ Wilson so I’m not confident in your ability to build a championship team.

Los Angeles Dodgers
Everyone has been picking you to win the World Series for the last three seasons and you eventually blow it. All I can do is follow the trends.

Miami Marlins
Might not be a team next year, and also Marlins Man brings a huge cosmic shift downwards on your franchise.

Milwaukee Brewers
Ryan Braun is an asshole.

Minnesota Twins
You have to come to grips with the fact that Joe Mauer isn’t the greatest hitter of all time. Also, Byron Buxton might suck and that really blows for you.

New York Mets
I don’t think Matt Harvey should be allowed to have The Dark Knight nickname. He’s a little too chubby. He’ll wear down after a full season.

New York Yankees
I don’t think God would let Aroldis Chapman win the World Series twice.

Oakland Athletics
Never gonna happen.

Philadelphia Phillies
Even if you and the Reds combined forces into one team I still don’t think you finish third in the NL East.

Pittsburgh Pirates
I feel like by having your starting third baseman in rehab for alcohol you get disqualified from World Series talk.

St. Louis Cardinals
I genuinely hate you and your fans.

San Diego Padres
If we were playing Premier League rules, the Padres would’ve been relegated to AAA for the past 20-ish years.

San Francisco Giants
I don’t think you actually have a left fielder. Mac Williamson sounds like a hard-noised but straight-edged cop in a detective movie. I think you made him up.

Seattle Mariners
Always and forever will be one player away.

Tampa Bay Rays
Even if you were to win the World Series if there are no fans there to see it, did it really happen? Sort of a “tree falls in the woods” scenario.

Texas Rangers
Rougned Odor will be suspended either for punching someone or something else weird like his brother, Rougned Odor, who is about to be charged with a super weird hazing incident.

Toronto Blue Jays
Do you have any pitchers yet? No? K see ya.

Washington Nationals
Adam Eaton and Bryce Harper will get into a fistfight at some point this season. Count on it.

 

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