This is by far the most important post I’ll write all year. It started a couple years ago, ballparks introducing new foods that are so ridiculous and artery-clogging that I can’t help but be super fat and start drooling over them. I’ve listed my favorites below. I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m pretty sure eating any of these will takes days off your life.
Pictured above is Kauffman Stadium’s new Sunrise Dog. Any time you can incorporate breakfast food into any part of my life you’re going to have my full attention. This delectable treat is a jumbo hot dog topped with fried egg, bacon, cheddar cheese and white sausage gravy. You had me at fried egg.
I didn’t know I needed bite-sized brisket balls in my life until today. Above are rolled-up balls of brisket dipped in funnel cake batter, deep-fried and covered in powdered sugar. The Rangers are calling this little piece of heaven the Texas Snowball. The only possible downside to these treats are that you might have a heart attack before you get to finish the last one.
Unlike most people, I actually appreciate the occasional challenge of figuring out how to eat a certain food. The above is the Fried Tomahawk Pork Chop, made available by the Atlanta Braves. It is quite simply a giant bone-in pork chop with some BBQ sauce. People complaining about this sandwich being difficult to eat because of the bone in the pork chop are exactly what’s wrong with America. Obesity nowadays is served up on a silver platter for us with food that’s so easy to eat you barely need to breathe. We need to get back to the days of scratching and clawing for every pound of fatness we can manage.
The White Sox do this every year. They put together some outrageous new food item in an attempt to get people through the gates. For me, it’s working. I’m you’re target demo, White Sox. I don’t know what Choco Kabob means but if it looks like that I want it in my face. If Sox brass was smart they would put together some sort of ballpark food challenge with this and the sundae helmet which involves about a gallon of ice cream. Must credit Right In Your Wheelhouse if you do though.