We’re now over a week into the MLB season, so I’m fairly confident that everything I say in this post will come to fruition. Large sample sizes are only good for food and nerds. Also, if you don’t understand sarcasm please stop here.
MADISON BUMGARNER WILL HIT 34 HOME RUNS
Check the math if you want, but right now MadBum has hit two home runs every five at-bats. If he matches his total ABs of 86 from last year, he will hit 34.4 home runs. We apply to the fifth grade rounding-down method on this blog. His 34 home runs will blow Wes Ferrell, great-great uncle of Will Ferrell probably, and his record nine home runs by a pitcher in one season completely out of the water.
THE MINNESOTA TWINS WILL PLAY THE ARIZONA DIAMONDBACKS IN THE WORLD SERIES
You might argue that the Twins haven’t played an actual baseball team yet. I might argue that every win counts the same in the standings. You might argue that there’s no way in hell the Diamondbacks can sustain a .392 BABIP for 162 games. I might argue that every champion in history has needed a little luck.
BYRON BUXTON WILL STRIKE OUT OVER 300 TIMES
Byron is currently striking out 52% of the time. Quite the alarming rate. If he gets 600 ABs this season and stays at that clip he’ll strike out 312 times. That would obliterate Mark Reynolds’ record of 223 strikeouts in 2009. But hey, at least he’ll play a great center field.
ZACH BRITTON WILL NOT THROW AN OFFSPEED PITCH THIS SEASON
Britton has not yet thrown an offspeed pitch because he has one of the nastiest sinking fastballs known to man. In 2016 he threw his fastball 92% of the time, which was higher than renowned fireballer Aroldis Chapman. Considering he hasn’t blown a save since 2015, I’d say he can put the slider in his back pocket until someone figures out how to hit his sinker in the air.
THE CINCINNATI REDS WILL WIN THE NL CENTRAL
Chicago who? St. Louis who? Pittsburgh who? Brewers still suck. Currently in first place, the Reds are completely in the driver’s seat for the NL Central crown. As long as Zack Cozart’s average stays at .450 and Scott Feldman maintains his career-best 2.53 ERA in his age 34 season, the Reds definitely have a shot to shock the nation.
I know, I may have been a little too conservative with these predictions. Sometimes you just need an easy victory, you know? The downside to writing a post like this is Skip Bayless is probably going to steal one of these hot takes as his own.