Living the bad boy life in sports is tricky. You have to find that line between being awesome and having an actual problem, and then you need to toe that line as often as possible. Anyone who thinks most athletes are in bed by 8 PM the night before a game are suckers, and I feel bad for their kids because they’re growing up with ignorant parents. These guys party harder than any humans on the face of the earth, then they get up the next morning and perform at the highest level of their profession.
The difference between those guys and what I’m asking of Matt Harvey is the publicity of it all. 99% of athletes keep things under wraps, or at least try to. I’m asking Harvey to let it fly out in the open. Embrace the fact that you’re an animal not only on the mound but in the club as well. Everyone loves that athlete who you know has a good time off the field and brings it every time when he’s on the field. All of this bullshit about Harvey being distracted is just that, bullshit. He does the same thing every other athlete does.
Now Matt, I know you’re reading this so listen up. You can’t just miss games. I know you needed a binge night after seeing Adriana with that try-hard fuckboy Julian Edelman, but you can’t just abandon your team. A round of golf with the boys is a great way to get over heartbreak, but by going AWOL you blew your chance to become everyone’s sweetheart who got his heart broken. Now you have to fully enjoy single life while pitching like a fucking badass.
Follow these three easy steps to be everyone’s favorite pitcher:
Step 1 – After you shove it up a team’s ass, give a sarcastic shoutout to Julian and Adriana and then get photographed at a nightclub being wild but not too wild (Gronk style). Not only will it remind people that you had your heart broken, it sends a message that you’re here to have a good time. Plus fuck the Patriots.
Step 2 – Don’t get hurt anymore because you can’t be partying while rehabbing, the two don’t mix in the public eye. If you’re hurt you’re literally expected to be rehabbing for 12 hours every day, which leaves no time for you to build up your bad boy image.
Step 3 – Be seen buying the entire bar drinks the night before a start then throw a no-hitter. This would solidify you as a king among kings.
You’re welcome, Matt.