One of the great benefits of watching sports is that the calorie counter stops when the game starts. Baseball isn’t America’s pastime because people love the sport. It’s our nation’s game because they introduced us to hot dog vendors, kicking off what would become this country’s most valued tradition of eating delicious foods that have no health benefits while watching sports. If you’re new to sports or America or food, you may not be familiar with this tradition. For you four or five people that this applies to, I’ve made a handy guide to help you figure out which gameday snacks are necessary and which ones you can skip.
START ‘EM: BONELESS WINGS
Arguably the king of gameday snacks no matter which sport you’re watching. I won’t dive into telling you which sauces to choose because there’s not really a right answer…that’s a lie, the correct answer is half honey BBQ half parmesan garlic, but I won’t fault you for trying lesser flavors.
SIT ‘EM: TRADITIONAL WINGS
Come at me on this, I dare you. There is literally no reason to be ordering traditional wings when boneless is an option. You get less meat with traditional wings. You have to use your hands, rendering you useless for changing channels in the scenario of multiple games being on at the same time. You have to clean up your pile of bones when you’re done, which makes you get up from the couch and possibly results in you putting a hex on your favorite team because you moved from your lucky spot. These are facts. Stick to boneless.
START ‘EM: PIZZA
“But wait, Nicks, how can pizza be considered a snack?” I’m glad you asked, because there are endless possibilities as pizza is probably the most perfect food to ever exist. First, make sure you order from a place that cuts the pizza in squares. That way the slices are almost bite-sized, and anything bite-sized is considered a snack. You can also couple pizza with multiple other foods. On gameday you simply need to follow the rule of three. If you have three or more types of unhealthy foods, no matter how much you eat they’re all considered snacks because you’re not focusing your attention on one specific food.
SIT ‘EM: ANYTHING THAT REQUIRES A RECIPE
I’m not going to sit here and tell you that smoked ground beef-wrapped jalapenos (better known as pterodactyl eggs) aren’t amazing. The problem here is that too much effort can cause a ton of unnecessary stress during a time when you want to be as relaxed as possible. Again, follow the rule of three. If it takes more than three steps to prepare your snack, move on to something else.
START ‘EM: WHITE CASTLE CRAVE CASE
If you’re going to try to claim that you don’t like White Castle sliders then I’m going to claim the only reason I’m not a Major League pitcher is because of bad luck. The only way you could think you don’t like White Castle sliders is if you’ve never had a White Castle slider. I don’t care what these babies are made of, I’ll shove a dozen down my gullet without blinking an eye. You could tell me I’m eating pure insect shit and I’ll just wonder what makes insect shit so delicious.
SIT ‘EM: CHIPS AND DIP WHEN IT’S JUST CHIPS AND DIP
I don’t mind having chips and dip to compliment my main snack foods, but if I’m coming to your house and that’s all you’re serving on gameday you might as well slap me across the face. I can only assume two things in this scenario…either you’re super poor, in which case you should’ve just come over to my place because I’m only regular poor, or you just don’t give a shit about me. Either way, friendship over.
START ‘EM: NACHO STATION
This is an exception to our rule of three, but it’s completely worth the effort. First, get yourself one of those triple crock pots. From here it’s self-explanatory. In the left pot you have your ground beef (if you fill it with ground chicken or turkey you don’t deserve to watch sports), in the middle pot you have your melted cheese, and in the last pot you have your beans. Next to your tri-pot you’ll have your other essential nacho ingredients such as guac, tomatoes, etc. This is the only scenario in which you’re allowed to break the rule of three.
SIT ‘EM: VEGGIE TRAYS
I have to end with this because I can’t express how disappointing it is to see a veggie tray right before a game starts. It’s like seeing Nickelback open for The Beatles. Usually my mind can’t even comprehend what I’m seeing, and in some cases I temporarily lose my sight due to the vivid colors. I don’t care how much ranch dressing you’re going to put on that baby carrot, it’s still a goddamn vegetable. Gameday is for meat, carbs and grease. Get your vitamins in on your own time.