Start ‘Em/Sit ‘Em: Social Sports Activities

If you’re like me, going to a restaurant and eating dinner with your friends is about as exciting as discussing economics. Luckily, we live in a country that accepts our short attention spans and has come up with entertaining activities for groups of friends to participate in so they don’t have to talk to each other. Some of these activities are better than others…

START ‘EM: BOWLING

Nothing better than knocking over a few pins on a weeknight with the locals. If you want to get wild, put up the guard rails and have some fun. Count each ricochet as an extra pin towards your score. Just make sure when you’re showing your buds that you can put spin on the ball like the pros that you don’t break your thumb. You also need to make sure that the one friend you have who is really good at bowling for some reason doesn’t bring his own ball. Nothing worse than having an alley cat that will suck all the fun out of friendly competition. Better yet, tell that guy to stay home.

SIT ‘EM: TOP GOLF

This place sucks. Most of the time when you choose to go to Top Golf you’re going on a double date or something of that nature. You think you’re going to have fun because golf is involved, but you’re wrong. Never participate in any sports with your significant other, it’s a nightmare. And if you plan on getting any food or drinks, you’re dropping $200 easy in one night at this overpriced version of Golden Tee. If you’re thinking about going here, do yourself a favor and just go golfing instead. Oh, it’s cold out you say? Well then it’s not golf season. Yes they have heaters in the pods, but they keep you about as comfortable as a hand-warmer. Oh, and if you’re a person who has brought his own clubs to Top Golf, eat my ass.

START ‘EM: MINI GOLF

Here’s a fact, I’ve never lost at mini golf. Ever. You’re looking at the keeper of the low-score at Adventure Tails in Crete (probably). Mini golf is fantastic because it can turn into an absolute shit-show. There’s always one person who is tragically bad, and he’s usually the dork who brings his own putter. Sorry, chief, that Scotty Cameron isn’t going to help you on this turf playground. This is also an acceptable activity for your girlfriend to participate in so you can wipe the floor with her tears from losing and establish your dominance (that’s a joke, I’m not sexist and my fiance owns me).

SIT ‘EM: GO KARTS

Maybe this is coming from a place of always being the bigger guy, but go karts are absolute horse shit. How is it a fair race when your kart’s speed is determined by how heavy the driver is? It’s like using Toad in Mario Kart or playing as Oddjob in Goldeneye…dogshit advantage. Also, sorry, but I don’t trust good ole Rusty with filling up my kart with unleaded while smoking Marlboro reds. Go kart managers at rinky-dink family fun centers are the worst because they couldn’t even make it as a carny.

START ‘EM: HATCHET THROWING 

I haven’t even been to one of these places but I don’t care how many waivers I need to sign, I’m there. I literally can’t think of anything more manly than crushing a Sam Adams while throwing a hatchet. The only thing manlier would be a bar that has trees to cut down while you make your own beef jerky. The only problem for me is if they require you to have a beard before entering, which I struggle with.

SIT ‘EM: SLUGGERS

This is less about the actual bar and more about the people that invade this place. If you know a guy who was the backup right fielder on your high school team who always felt he should’ve been playing, chances are you’ll see him at Sluggers every Saturday night. Kudos to the owners of this place. They’re completely exploiting the numerous bros who have some built up anger towards not being any good. And they’re the worst to deal with. If you played a college sport, you’ll go to this place and immediately hate everyone around you.

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